Who I am Right Now
Is not as easy as it should be. The shadow of the way it used to be or "should" have been will likely always be looming somewhere. The good days are the days when that shadow is short.
As anyone following along with the Art For Arachnoiditis Project this winter knows... January and February were Creatively, Technically, and Physically challenging mostly-non-productive weeks for me.
I have spent a lot of time beating myself up over the tasks I didn't complete and not paying enough attention to the things I did.
As a way to illustrate this struggle to love and accept the who I am right now, I included these Survivor Portraits as works- in- progress with the Ostrich Cot display at the exhibit.
It first occurred to me to do this because I felt guilty about not finishing these drawings in time to frame them and include them on the wall with everyone else. Overnight, as the idea became a picture in my head, I realized that this is likely one of the most honest expressions of what it really means to adapt to Living and Working With Aracahnoiditis. The time line is seldom structured the way that we would like it to be. I suppose this is true of life in general and simply exponentially more obvious in circumstances such as this.
In any case, I am learning that the real healing comes with FORGIVENESS. Most often, it would seem that it is a forgiveness and compassion for OURSELVES that seems to be absent-but-most-needed. FORGIVENESS does not come in the form of making guilty "excuses and explanations" for ourselves to others or in our own heads.
It comes from the full acknowledgement that THIS is how it is and THIS is the ME that I am. THIS is what I am capable of RIGHT NOW. THIS is GOOD. I am GOOD. That is enough.
It takes time to know that THIS is true, that our actions are enough and that we are worthy of all of the love that we so often give away to others.
I AM EXACTLY THE "ME" THAT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE. Thank you, Amanda Palmer, for the reminder.