Day 30: The Beginning in The End

My Journal-ish Digi-Card Idea  

Day 30: Love Is Imminent

Today's Inspiration:

"Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come."

- Chinese proverb

The Tree of My Heart in Greenwood, NY

Today's Journal Prompts:

My heart is asking me to...

If I trusted the urging of my heart, I might...

The green tree of a dream that I hold in my heart is...

The singing birds that are attracted to my dream are...

Today's prompt wraps up the Root:30 Day Journal Project. It is the end of the thirty days for me but Lisa is keeping the project, including the Facebook Group, open so that anyone interested can register for free to take this 30 day journey.

If you've completed the thirty days of prompts but would  like to experience more,

 Dreaming on Paper: The Creative Sketchbook, with Lisa Sonora Beam, starts on February 20.

Day 29 A prehistoric paradox

ROOT: 30 Day Journal Project

Day 29: Wild Creative Forces

Today's Inspiration:

"The creative force flows over the terrain of our psyches looking for the natural hollows,    

the arroyos, the channels that exist in us.

We become its tributaries, its basins; we are its pools, ponds, streams, and sanctuaries.

The wild creative force flows into whatever beds we have,

those we are born with as well as those we dig with our own hands.

We don't have to fill them, we only have to build them."

- Clarissa Pinkola Estés wrote that in Women Who Run with the Wolves

Today's Journal Prompts: 

My wild creative force looks like...
  

My wild creative force feels like...
  

My wild creative force is asking me to...
  

My wild creative force wants me to experience...

After reading these prompts my first thought was a wolf... but, I also remembered drawing a woman on top of cliff with large gold and white wings when I was in the military... so perhaps a winged creature was more suitable...
or maybe these aspects fit the cycles that I rotate through in my life. ...this seems to make the most sense to me because I feel that one animal represents the gathering of ourselves...and the other signifies our comfort and confidence in the outer world. It did not, at first, occur to me that there could be more than two sides...

On a whim I googled "what animal am/was I?" 
These are the answers I received after doing five different quizzes
 fox, wolf, golden falcon, platypus, and wolf again.

All of these symbols have shown up in my journey before, except the Platypus  ...Intrigued, I decided to investigate further. 
The appearance of this new entity seemed somehow significant.
The first site that popped up was "Wild speak" a site about animal energies. I found it interesting that the description coincided with many of the new questions that I have about my path forward while symbols that I have seen many times before are associated with the more consistent concepts that I have addressed in my lifetime.  

 " Platypus is the prehistoric paradox. It was considered a hoax, and is an animal of paradoxical behaviours. When platypus comes into our life it's time to realize that on some level, we just don't fit in, and we should be proud of it. Take pride in your contradictions, take pride in where your place is in society...(symbolizes that) it is crucial that we learn how to be at peace with isolation...."
Little Falcon , Fox ,Wolf

“Ours is not the task of fixing the entire world at once, but of stretching out to mend the part of the world that is within our reach.” 
― Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Day 28

The Union of Imperfect Pieces

ROOT: 30 Day Journal Project Day 28: No Fear of Perfection Today's Inspiration: "Have no fear of perfection...you'll never reach it." Salvador Dali said that.

"Imagine he (Salvador Dali) just phoned you up from his Lobster Telephone to let you know this good news.What would you say yes to next, in your own creative adventure?"

The Day 28 prompts:

If I didn't have to do it perfectly, I would...  create and organize an art project that would bring members of the community, of all ages, together in appreciation of the arts.

My impossible / improbable work could include... youth and adults involved in a goal oriented endeavor of repurposing found objects to benefit our town/county...an installation piece in a community location...or something that could withstand the elements and be available to every member of our community all day, every day.

Perhaps something similar to the collaborative Mandala Project...but bigger, more people involved...something that brings together the flawed, used-up pieces and transforms them into something stronger. 

If I wasn't afraid of perfection, then I might... I am not afraid of perfection. I don't believe in it.

If I dared to strive for imperfection, then... I would continue to do the best that I can do when I can do it and forgive myself when I cannot.

"So now it is time to disassemble the parts of the jigsaw puzzle or to piece another one together, for I find that, having come to the end of my story, my life is just beginning."
~Conrad Veidt 

Day 27: Stop Making Sense

Sketches with Prelude from Skinny Legs and All by Tom Robbins

Day 27 Good Sense  : "The chief enemy of Creativity is good sense." 
~ Pablo Picasso

"Thinking outside the box, doesn't happen by thinking."
~Lisa Sonora Beam 

The prompts today:
If it didn't have to make sense I would,____________

When it comes to making sense I wonder_______________

What I learned about good sense is that_______________

The chief enemy of my creativity seems to be_____________

So, who, exactly, has been vested with the authority to define "good sense"? Is it a variable in flux, defined simply based upon the chaos around it? 

I have learned that nobody else can define what makes sense for me. Only I can discover that. Sometimes it makes sense to just stop trying to make sense of it all and accept it as it is. I just need to remember to Stop Making Sense,  make art instead. 

The need to justify making art still, after all this time, gets in my way. I'll deny myself the option or opportunity to make art because a voice in my head says, "It doesn't make sense for you to make art when all this other real and important stuff is happening."
THAT doesn't make sense. This is when I need to make art the most. The art is real. It is important.

ART is the sense in the chaos...it is the chaos in the sense.  The act of making, for me, makes the rest of it all make sense. 

The boundaries we place on ourselves and the beliefs we have learned to conform to don't necessarily have to become the parameters by which we define reality and "sense."

Common sense is 
the collection of prejudices 
acquired by age eighteen.~Albert Einstein 

"Sense" is made by finding that which we can accept within ourselves. 

Day 26; Defying Gravity

Day 26 
Keeping Your Soul Aloft

What weighs you down?
What lifts you up?





I have experienced the fall...more than once.
That doesn't mean I will stay down.
Defying Gravity  is a daily challenge.

Recognizing the things that feed my soul helps me to get out of bed in the morning.
Sometimes, they are grand, unexpected moments. But othertimes, when I least expect them and most need them, these teeny-tiny bits of grace will pop into my world. They ease the burdens and lighten my heart.

Deer Face, Greenwood, NY~Sheila L. Kalkbrenner

 Life has knocked me down and then it just
 Lifts Me Up  (some adult language)

 "it rips me up inside but I refuse to hide." ~Beth Hart

January 2014 ~"Perfecting" the Brief for the NYS Supreme Court

Fighting the system weighs me down...but my heart will be much lighter knowing 

that I did everything that I could. 

May 2013~ Putting together the petition
 for Medical Injury Case Appeal

Day 25

JUST KEEP SWIMMING

Day 25 Creativity, Travel, Courage

Thought provoking prompts today from Lisa Sonora Beam 

I've been absolutely terrified by_____________

My fear keeps me from _____________

I've confronted the fear by _____________

The ways I am brave are _______________


As I mentioned in the Root project Facebook group, I have the usual fears that come with being a parent. The most powerful fear for me as an individual though... is about just getting stuck. This fear sometimes stops me from just being still....even when stillness is warranted and is most-likely the best response. 

Today, I am acknowledging the courage it takes for me to accept the inevitable stillness & quiet while recognizing the inherent value within it.  I have learned to gain strength from what I once thought would be a weakness. That strength permits me to move forward when the time is right. 

Day 24: Surrender & Rise

Day 24 

Rise Up Rooted

Today's fill-in-the-blank prompt inspired by,
 "If we surrendered to earth's intelligence
we could rise up rooted, like trees." ~Rainer Maria Rilke wrote that









If I surrender to my limitations
I would adapt to my abilities.
If I surrendered like (with) Grace
I could have Peace .

In all honesty, I have never been good at accepting my limitations in any form. I have always thought that I could set my own boundaries. Although this is still true, there are more factors now that determine HOW I establish those boundaries. For me surrendering means that I will no longer attempt to do things in the same manner I had done them before.... That path leads to frustration, anger, and usually...grief. 
However, I will still DO all that I intended. 
I may pursue my days more gently but, 
I will not go quietly.

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

~ Dylan Thomas

Day 23: Be Dazzled

Day 23 of the Root:30 Day Journal Project ~Dazzle

Last spring I remember being dazzled by the power of nature and the pressure of time. Okay, so, I am dazzled by the power of nature quite often. In this particular case I was overwhelmed by the way that the elements had literally transformed this leaf into paper.

 Pressed like paint on the sidewalk, flat and fragile, I thought surely there was no way I would be able to preserve it. Why did I want to? "Never mind," I decided, "it's coming with me." Using my driver's license, I gently lifted its delicate matter into the envelope from the just-paid electric bill. Tucked securely between the pages of my sketch book, my library bag carried us the rest of the way home.  Safely back in the studio, I tucked it neatly inside of my newest, unread, hard cover book. Occassionally, I open the pages and ponder why I was so determined to halt its disintigration. Why did I bring it here?   I think it helps me remember...something.

In other dazzling news:

"Those people who recognize that imagination is reality's master, we call "sages," and those people who act upon it, we call "artists". ~ Tom Robbins 

I am quite certain that "Skinny Legs and All" by Tom Robbins was the book that dazzled me out of the dark. The female lead character, Ellen Cherry, was an artist, dazzling in her own right but the Can O' Beans, the Conch Shell, the Spoon, and the Painted stick were running right along beside her.

"When it comes to their reality, artists call the shots...
Ellen Cherry was calling the shots, turning mountains upside down, changing boulders into willow trees and willows into lemon meringue pie. The canvas with mad megajoules of natural energy: geology, meteorology, zoology,and botany all mixed together in slow boiling tribute to nature and paint. Painting she sang a song of cobalts and oxides, cadmiums and umbers; naming the pigments aloud as a novice in a convent might recite the names of the saints: "Vandyke brown" for example, patron saint of cheap cigars, "rose madder," protector of irate florists."
~from the book.

At a time of great floundering, the layers of meaning in this book entered my life with dazzling reminders of the person I knew I had always been. That was almost twenty years ago. Every  time I read it, I discover something new about myself and the world around me.

Day 22 The Duplicitous Nature of Solitude

©Sheila L. Kalkbrenner

Above quote is from the Culture of Possibility
by Arlene GoldbardFlipping the image to find a fresh vantage point.

Solitude Is The Cure For Loneliness
Day 22 of the Root: 30 Day Journal Project
Although I have yearned 
for solitude's  healing properties, 
with the frigid temperatures
and isolation of winter upon me
My perspective right now says that it cures loneliness
much the same way my younger sister
said, "babysitting four children,
under the age of seven,
was a cure for teen pregnancy.
Too much of a "good" thing
is seldom a good thing for long.
But then again,  "Lonely" is not as duplicitous 
as "Solitude".

Perceptive Perspective
is needed in
order to monitor balance.

Emerging Women talk about Navigating the work/life balance

The Duplicitous Nature of Solitude
Hectic, busy, crazy days 
Oh, how she lures us in 
Tips and turns, yearning 
for elusive solitude

Waves of Glass, Lathe & Plaster 
warm wood wondering
blue flickers
Can the light get in?

Layers zipped up tight,
inside, outside, 
hasty retreat 
Weather lingers on the skin.

Waiting, whispers
Hot cup of nothing
Listening doors
Nobody is there.

Silent, empty, wishful days
Oh, how he lures us out
stretch to reach, escape
the confines of solitude.
~ slk

Day 21: Who am I?

Day 21: Remember Who You Are

Living with Arachnoiditis often feels like I am trying to fly with one wing tied behind my back. The wing is still there but doesn't function properly. 

It has been six and a half years and for the most part I have adjusted to this life. However, as blog-followers know, recent events and activities are bringing significant reminders of this adjustment. 

The journal prompts for day 21 initiated a paper conversation which permitted me to acknowledge the things I once dreamed of doing that I will never do now...But, it also pushed me to acknowledge the things I dreamed of doing that I AM DOING....RIGHT NOW...WITH SPINAL ADHESIVE ARACHNOIDITIS. That knowledge is more empowering than any other. 

I will continue to Improvise, Adapt, and Overcome because;
That is who I am. Shame on myself for trying to obstruct that process. 

7 Ways to Find the Rhythm of Your Heart

Are You Playing Dead?

Day 20~ I Am Not From Here

Link to Day 20 at Root:30 Day Journal project.

When I am really present in my experience of this project, it feels like talking to a friend I have not seen or spoken to in many years...but whose companionship I have dearly missed. I know it is okay to remind her that I am not FROM this "here" but that I AM supposed to experience it. 

(The poem "I Am Not From Here" which travels the outer edge of this circle, was written by Jewel.)

Day 19: Survival isn't enough

Day 19                                                  

“I want to unfold.

Let nothing in me hold itself closed.

For where I am closed, I am false.

I want to be clear in your sight.”— Rainer Maria Rilke said that

I Say To You Idols
I Say to you idols
of carefully studied
disillusionment
and you worshipers
who find beauty
in only fallen things
that the greatest
Grace
We can aspire to
is the strength
to see the wounded
walk with the forgotten
and pull ourselves
from the screaming
blood of our losses
to fight on
undaunted
all the more
~Jewel

Day 18

“...A scar signifies past pain, a wound that did not heal as it ought. But it testifies, too, to survival...(Here be Dragons)” 
― Sharon Kay Penman

Day 18 

I do repeat imagery in my work but I think it happens in cycles...it is not a consecutive repetition unless you view it from a further distance.
The tree/root theme seems to have happened naturally, without provocation, at transitional phases of my life. 

Transitions brought about by choice or thrust upon me,
either way, finding my roots...usually through art... brought me through to the other side of the transition with a clear destination in mind and a deeper appreciation for life as it happens NOW. 

Detail Branching Out (2000-ish) ©Sheila L. Kalkbrenner

Recently I have had to keep reminding myself to continue to live in the moment as it happens. This is what is happening right now. Too much focus on "the end of this" or "the beginning of that" makes me miss out on so much that is right in front of me.
I used to say, "If I can just get through this THEN I will do, live, be _____." 
Now I make an effort to approach things more as a, "WHILE I am getting through this I will be, live, and do____."

Comfort Zone 1996   ©Sheila L. Kalkbrenner

Detail from All Things 2008©Sheila L. Kalkbrenner

 Until addressing the questions asked in the Root:30 Day Journal Project today, I never really thought about it this way. Apparently the theme repeats even farther back than Roots 1996 . I just don't have those drawings anymore. I am pretty sure one of the paintings, not posted here, from around 1990-91 is still hanging on the wall at my Grandmother's house.

I suppose that explains why the theme and concept of doing this project was so appealing to me. I didn't even think twice about clicking the registration button. It is truly a transitional time worthy of renewing my roots. 


"Art is the tree of life." ~William Blake said that. 

Day 17 Root: 30 Day Journal Project

The visual portion of the way I processed the prompts today.

HOW IT WORKS:

As a participant in this project I receive email prompts and food for thought from Lisa in my email every morning. It usually starts with an inspiration point or quote and builds from there. 

I write these down and think about them throughout the day...If I have time and the muses are with me, sometimes I respond to them as I write them down. After I have finished my "work", this could take five minutes...could take an hour...or more; then, I visit the daily link on the 30 day journal page.(Today's link: Meaning Shifts) Then I do my blog post with the links to Lisa's page at the end of this process to share what I have gleaned from the experience. 

Participants are under no obligation to share their discoveries but they can if they want to. Chiming in once in while just about the process, or materials, or with questions you have about any of these things; helps Lisa keep track of how many people are involved and actively participating.  There is a "private" group (Over 2,000 people are participating. So, I use this term loosely.) on facebook if you would like to join them, too. The info for that is sent with your first email.

 There is a great deal of the process that I leave out because this is a personal journey but I try to share some of the elements that I feel might have a sort of universal context. 

Lisa is accepting new participants every day. Your day 1 begins the day that you register.

Here is one sample (from today)of the way the journal prompts come in from:

ROOT: 30 Day Journal Project

 Day 17 

Today's Inspiration:

The meaning I picked, the one that changed my life: Overcome fear, behold wonder.

- Richard Bach said that

//

Today's Journal Prompts: (do one, some, all, or none, as you wish)

Think about something in your creative life that bugs you.

The thing that is bugging me about my creative life is:

The meaning I am attaching to this issue is:

What is a new meaning you could pick, that feels good? Something to try on, even just for today?

My new, feel good meaning is:

Another way:

Play fill-in-the-blank.

It might change my life if I chose a new meaning, like:

Overcome _____________ (fill in the blank), behold _______________  (fill in the blank).

Of course, you can always find your own words for overcome, and behold. Pick, choose. Mix, match.

Make your own recipe for meaning. These ingredients will get you started.

I hope you can join us!!!

Day 16 The Groundwork

Root: 30 Day Journal Project 
Day 16
Although I don't mind my own company, I don't always enjoy the "quiet" that was imposed upon me. Oddly though, it isn't always as quiet here as it might appear from the outside. My mind is always busy and my hands are usually working to express what is going on in there.

Lisa's Rumi quote,

 "And don't think the garden 

loses its ecstasy in winter, 

It's quiet but 

the roots are down there riotous."

Gives me a visual flash of dormant activity.
This riotous roots concept is exactly what I had in mind when I made Still Standing Frame 2.

I saw this moss-covered rock and its companion on the path along the Greenway in upstate NY... I saw it right after my left leg gave out and I hit the ground. That was as far as I was going to go that day. Disentangling myself from the camera strap, I snapped the photo. Very slowly, anonymously, amidst the hush of the breeze and the damp on my knees; I made my way back to the house. 

It hit me how much like that rock I was...so much time just laying there looking dormant but so many things were happening on the inside. Back in bed, I remembered this passage from Gathering Moss: 

Speaking of the mosses: "Their roots, vascular systems, and sophisticated water conservation mechanisms allow them to resist drying and stay active...most mosses are immune to death by drying. For them, desiccation is simply a temporary interruption in life...Mosses may lose 98% of their moisture, and still survive to restore themselves when water is replenished. ...their destiny is linked to the vagaries of rain. They shrink and shrivel while carefully laying the groundwork of their own renewal. They give me faith....They earn their freedom from the pain of change by total surrender to the ways of rain." ~Robin Wall Kimmerer

15th Day

 Fawn Sketch  (See the original graphite drawing.)

Day 15  
"Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage." ~ Anais Nin

Finding or identifying with your courageous self. ... without stifling the fearful self... it is a very necessary though delicate balance.

She is a very real entity whose very existence defines the merits of the courageous self.

If I didn't know the retreating figure above, I would have never met the powerful one below. 

Honesty & Hope (a.k.a. No Pain, No Gain)

It is no secret that fear is a force to be reckoned with...  Anyone who knows me is well aware that worry is my middle name.  In the course of living my life I have discovered that I can tolerate and withstand many things but the fear-voice that speaks the loudest is the one that asks, "How will it affect your children?"  ...if you don't take that job?

                 ...if you show this to the world?

                 ...if you take the time to make???
                 ...if you risk ______ for ____?

THIS voice has the power to paralyze even the most adventurous of souls. It can even become a cop-out mechanism that causes us to do nothing...for the safety and familiarity of the status quo.

The voice that conquered her was that one that asked,  "How will it affect them if you DON'T:  
             ...speak out about what matters?
             ...believe in your own work?
             ...share your vision?
             ...stand up when The-Powers-That-Be knock you down?" 

For better or worse, this is who I am. To live truthfully I MUST do these things and hope that in the end it will be of positive benefit to them that I chose to do so. 

P.S. I just received this timely link from Spirituality & Health that talks about Going All In and "bravely showing up for what's next"...hope there is something in it that is useful to you. 

Two Weeks So far....

 

Painting Zoom from Lisa Sonora Beam

Ideas to Paint Happy from Day 14 of the
Root: 30 Day Journal project. If I paint what I want then....
I will paint:
More still-lifes....It has been years since I was physically able to vertically observe anything long enough to paint an observational still-life like  this one.  I want to find out if that has gotten better. (ummm ...just not this week but, after my body recovers from this current "project".)

MORE Beefy -almost 3D-paintings....thick, heavy, colorful, with lots of movement like: Confronting Ambivalence 
Finished that one at the end of 2013 knowing I am on the verge of something creatively awesome. (The awesome is on hold temporarily but will get back to it soon.)

MAYBE incorporate some refined use of metallic paint (there is a little bit of copper incorporated into "Confronting Ambivalence" ...So, I think, like Klimt did with gold leaf...only different,more ME...and with paint.
_________________________________________________
 
so-o-o-o-o the other voice asks...(It actually asked first but, I chose to ignore it.)...
if I paint as I like then, "How will you pay your bills? buy groceries? buy pet supplies?" blah-blah-blah....
but these ARE very real, in-my-face concerns.

For a couple of years now I have been toying with the idea of setting up a barter and trade system at my studio...a formal-ish offer/plan to make fine art more affordable for people in my local community, including ME. Lisa's comment about Henry Miller trading his art for food and supplies reminded me that I really want to see if this is a do-able idea in my small rural community. (As followers of my FB page might remember; I get a little tired of the commercialism that invades everything.(Not un-like many other artists this sentiment makes art-marketing a bit challenging for me.)

For example:
Your selection of any art print from the studio "left-overs" bin in exchange for:or: 5" x 7" graphite portrait
                  (matted, unframed) for: a lightly-used,but still-functional, small wheelbarrow (Painting by Pissaro)
   or

 

15-20 pounds of assorted potatoes....
(insert other yummy surplus from your garden)
or:

                                                              

transportation to/from 3(local)appointments.

 

Other suggestions for barter and trade welcome!!! Check out the Project Rates then, let me know if you have goods or services(shoveling snow/mowing my small lawn/jobs that involve ladders 'cause I have promised to stay off of them) that you might like to trade for a bit of Fine Art.